Who am I?
A story of a dream for 35 years
There are two elements that awaken my identity throughout my life. One is a special dream that I have had for 35 years. The other is a prayer that I have cried out for 40 years, asking, “God, who am I?” Let me start with the dream story.
Around 1990, I received a prophetic prayer from a female evangelist. God said that He would give me special training for 8 years. I was curious about what kind of training He would give me. I think I was receiving training without knowing it. After some time had passed, I had a dream of taking a test. I remember a dream in which I was taking a math test in the first grade of elementary school and I was struggling to do the math test because I couldn’t do the math, so I had to use all ten fingers and toes. And then there was a dream in which I was playing soccer with my friends on the playground, but I kept kicking and kicking without being able to kick the ball properly, which was frustrating. This time, I came to my senses and kicked the ball well, but I kept kicking and kicking without being able to kick properly, etc. A dream of struggling with a test paper during exam time, a test paper with a 10 or 0 score… ….
But time passed and I became a middle school student. I think that poor student was the merciful father (God). It was the same when I was in middle school. I was confused whenever I had dreams of getting 10 points or 0 scores on tests. Time passed and I had the same dream of attending high school. … But I could see myself studying in college. College was even more of a mess. I went to the class without a textbook for the subject, didn’t know the test date, didn’t prepare for the test, couldn’t find the test location, and was frustrated because I couldn’t write a single answer after receiving the test paper… I didn’t even know the study schedule for that semester, and I didn’t know what day or time I had what class, so I was flustered.
I’ve been having these dreams for 35 years. These days, I dream of doing research in graduate school. In my dreams, I’m still going to school. I often feel frustrated thinking, whether it’s in a dream or a half-asleep, ‘I graduated from college, but I’m still going to college. The new semester has started, and I have to register, but other students have registered, but I haven’t registered yet. I have to know the school class schedule every week this semester, but I have to go to the academic affairs office to register and learn about the academic course, but I don’t have it.
In one dream, a friend gave me a piece of paper with the class schedule for one semester. I was thinking about copying it with a copy machine, but I couldn’t find a copy machine, so I thought about copying it by hand, and then I woke up. I’m still going to school in 2024. I parked my car in the school parking lot, but when I came back to get in after finishing my studies, the car was gone from the parking lot. I searched for the car here and there, and found it in the body shop. The body shop didn’t know when the car would be repaired.
I rarely dream when I sleep at night. When I go to bed at night, I wake up in the morning, and sometimes I wake up once or twice to urinate. But once or twice a month, once a year, I have dreamed of this kind of school for 35 years. Now that I think about it, I think God showed me the training process through dreams. What I realize these days is that God established me as a pastor so that I could write books. Why school? Why is it a dream of studying?
In El Paso, God made me pray, fast, read the Bible (over 100 times), and read a book of the Grand Comprehensive Commentary, and gave me spiritual training. Now, as I leave the El Paso church, He is giving me intellectual training.
At that time, I did not know about it, and it has been 8 years. I was curious and wondered what would happen to me and what kind of training I was undergoing because He said He would train me for 8 years. Until 1997, the congregation was as gentle and obedient as lambs, but from the beginning of 1998, the congregation became stronger and were like goats, being hit with horns. Then, one Sunday, during a deacons’ meeting, the deacons said that they would like me to leave. When I heard that shocking statement, I was so wronged, angry, resentful, and disappointed that I rolled on the ground and cried. I wondered if God had abandoned me. So I decided to leave this place.
However, I couldn’t leave right away, so I asked for time to prepare. I had no place to go, no home, and no money, so I asked for time to prepare to leave. I thought that I had been here too long and that it was time to leave. I thought that God was letting me leave in this way. If I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be able to leave.
However, since I always wondered if I was a true servant of God, I thought that God had abandoned me. And I was so disappointed with God. I thought that God had used me and now he was abandoning me, calling me useless.
After sending my children and wife to my brother in Korea, I packed my bags and left for Korea after 6 months. Even after staying in Korea for a month, my heart still did not calm down. My brother gave me $10,000 to settle down and I returned to LA. I was troubled about whether I should continue my ministry or not. So I decided to cross the North American continent to sort out my heart. From LA, California, I went to Oregon, Washington State, then across the Canadian border to the western Canadian provinces of Vancouver British Colombia, then across the Rocky Mountains to Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Ontario, arriving in Toronto to meet my sister and friends, then visiting Chicago, New York, Miami Florida, and Key West, the southernmost point of the United States, Louisiana, Texas, arriving in El Paso, where I was originally a pastor, and while packing my bags and moving back to LA, my heart was somewhat sorted out and I felt the desire to work for the Lord again,
so I started working as an associate pastor at a church. Among the members of the El Paso church, a member who moved to LA lived in LA and then moved to Dallas, so he gave us his apartment where he lived, and we settled down in LA during the trip. It was 13,000 miles, over a month. Now that I think about it, God trained me as a servant who received failing grades and moved me to a different level of ministry. When I published the first and second volumes of the Revelation Testimony, I realized that God called me, trained me, and prepared me to be a servant who proclaims the end times. He trained me spiritually in El Paso and intellectually in LA. He helped me acquire general knowledge. My Revelation Testimony is the Revelation that the Apostle John, a 1st century man, saw the 21st century civilization in a vision and wrote it in the style of 1st century civilization, so that 21st century people could see and study it. Because it is civilization, I was made to read books on politics, economy, society, history, science, war, climate, environment, etc. During my 15 years of ministry as an associate pastor, God made me read more than 1,000 books in 10 years.
I decided to enter Westminster Seminary before God told me that He would train me for 8 years. When I went to Westminster Seminary and met with the people in charge and listened to the lectures, I was told that I needed to get a TOEFL score of 85% or higher to be admitted. I returned home and studied for the TOEFL for about 8 months, and when I got an 89% score, they sent me a letter of admission. I decided to go to Westminster Seminary. Since I needed living expenses while studying, my wife decided to get a nursing license and work while I studied. In order to prepare for the nursing license exam, she studied at a nursing exam preparation class hosted by the LA Southern California korean Nurses Association, but she had a mild stroke due to the cold weather and had to return home. I was admitted, but I gave up on going there. God stopped me. God always taught and trained me directly, but He did not want me to go to the seminary.
One year, I went to a fasting prayer center, and the director of the prayer center said to me, ‘ Pastor Kim, that your words were too technical and deep for people to understand, so instead of doing that you should just preach the words in an easy and plain way, and many people would come’. I had heard people say that before, but I said that I would do it my way. I thought that I should do it the way God wanted me, and that it was not good to minister in a human way or with my own desires.
In the Bible, there are two types of servants that God calls and uses. One is the servants that God selects, trains, and uses directly. Moses, Elijah, the Apostle Paul, and Joseph. The other is the servants that God selects, entrusts to mentors, trains, and uses. Joshua, Elisha, the students of the prophetic schools of Elijah and Elisha, Luke, and the twelve apostles. In my case, God trains me directly.
Who Am I? Question, 40 Years, Until Age 65
I have been asking God, “God, who am I?” since my freshman year of college. Now that I think about it, that question seems to have disappeared around age 65. While publishing the book, The Book of Revelation, I realized that God had called me, who had been running away for 10 years, to become a pastor and had called me to publish the secrets of God’s word as a book.
June 8, 2024 was a Saturday. While driving west on Highway 91, I was in a car accident and my car was completely destroyed. I was also slightly injured. After my body recovered, I decided to fast and pray for 8 hours a day for a week starting on Saturday, August 17. The reason I fasted was to clear my spirit whenever I felt my body was dull. The motivation for the 40-day fast and the two 21-day fasts was to clear my spirit. That was the only reason. This time, I fasted to cleanse my spirit. When I fasted before, I focused on fasting. This was because fasting itself was difficult. I didn’t pray well when I fasted.
However, this time, my goal was not fasting, but rather prayer. That’s why I prayed for 8 hours a day. God gave me strength, so fasting wasn’t difficult, and I started the day by doing 20 pushups as soon as I woke up every morning. While fasting and praying, God made me realize that I would write four books and write about my life’s journey. The first book was The Reality of the Millennium, the second was The Book, Expository sermon of Revelation, the third was Oh Lord, What is Generosity in Man, and the fourth was Mount Sinai, discovered in Saudi Arabia.
After finishing my fast, I started writing The Reality of the Millennium on the second day and was able to finish it in two months. I drove 6,400 miles in October 2023, and God scrapped the car because He wanted me to stop driving and write. This happened once before. It was when I was getting excited about a triathlon. I used to ride 80 miles a day practicing my bike. After a while, my once sturdy bike tire kept getting flat. Sometimes I would walk my bike for 3 or 5 miles. Sometimes, another biker passing by would repair my bike tire with his tire repair kit. However, my tire kept getting flat, so I decided not to ride my bike anymore. When I decided not to ride, I started writing a book. That book was “The Secret of the Prehistory of Genesis.” It was completed in 2 months.
When I look back on my life, I see that God trained me to publish the secrets of God in a book and share them with people. Around the time I published the book of Revelation, I had a dream that I was in graduate school. I went into the classroom during class time, and the atmosphere was a little relaxed, and I was doing experiments and seemed confident. And when it was another time to go to class, not many students showed up. The professor came in, stood me up from the front row, and praised me. After 20 years, I finally received a compliment. I think the reason God called me was because of that book publishing.
God gave me the gift of seeing what others cannot see, hearing what others cannot hear, and realizing what others cannot realize. When I was pastoring, rather than pastoring a large church and many believers, He made it possible for hundreds of thousands of believers to see it through my church website. That is why I do not envy large churches.
The ministry of El Paso Church was a ministry of sending away believers. When I become attached to believers, they will leave. I always have to worry about the number of believers. No matter how hard I work, the church does not grow. At that time, church growth was booming all over the world. A ministry of sending away believers is a ministry that cannot even dream of church growth. I was frustrated. I thought I had to find a breakthrough. So I decided to pray all night for 40 days. I spent 40 days alone, not sleeping properly at night, sitting on a church chair all night, dozing off, and then waking up again to pray. So I thought I had to show God a hard time(Korean word, Ttang Kkang). The last day of the 40-day all-night prayer was Saturday.
After finishing the early morning service, I was praying in front of Kang Dae-sang(pulpit) when something started to flow down and press on my anus. I thought it was strange, I didn’t even drink cold milk, so I went to the bathroom and blood poured out. I was shocked, but I didn’t tell my wife.
And after having a good Sunday, I finished the early morning service on Monday morning and was praying in front of Kang Dae-sang when, like on Saturday morning, blood flowed down and press on my anus again with a gurgling sound, so I went to the bathroom. Now, the blood was pouring out so much that I couldn’t handle it, and I started to feel dizzy. I barely came to my senses and went home. I prayed in tongues on the way to the hospital with my wife, and the bleeding stopped. So I walked into the hospital. But they said I was a normal person and they wouldn’t admit me. So I went to the bathroom and showed them the blood pouring out, and they admitted me to the emergency room. I was in the emergency room for three days and underwent various tests, but the hospital could not find a clear cause, so I was discharged and told to come back if I started bleeding. I suffered physical pain like this, but my spiritual problems were not resolved.
In 1994 and 1995, the Vineyard Movement was in full swing. I decided to join that movement and solve my problems. First, I attended the meetings of the Anaheim Vineyard Church and received grace from many people, but it did not fill my soul. So I went to the Airport Vineyard Church in Toronto, Canada. I was really envious of the many people who had experiences and were happy. I longed to enter the world of spiritual experiences like that.
Then I attended the meetings of Pastor Bernard’s church in New York. And I drove 940 miles to attend the meetings of the Grace Vineyard Church in Kansas City. I also visited the Pensacola Full Gospel Church in Florida, and every time I returned home, I felt that God had turned away from me. I felt as if I was seeing the expression on God’s face as He treated me, but I felt so indifferent and cold. I felt more and more disappointed wherever I went. God is so unkind to me. I felt as if I was seeing the way Jesus treated the Syrophoenician woman at first. However, although the woman was initially treated like a dog, she managed to attract God’s blessings, but I did not feel God’s warmth anywhere I went. I witnessed that He gave endless mercy and blessings to others, but I realized that He treated me so coldly. Every time I left that meeting, I thought I should never come back, but I kept going here and there, hoping that I might meet God there. But I ultimately decided not to go again.
And I thought that I would have to wait where I was until my time came. Even now, I want to go to a place like that at least once. I want to see other people meet God. There is a prophetic school run by Pastor Bill Hayman in Pensacola, and there he prayed, saying, “Where you go, you will not be received or recognized. You will suffer because of this, but endure to the end.”
One day, I had a dream that a boat was anchored on the shore. God said, “Don’t wander here and there, but stay in one place.” So I stopped wandering. God wanted to give me the gift of calm, sharp knowledge and wisdom, not emotional and excited feelings. He made me write a book with that. The answer to my prayer to God for 40 years, “Who am I?” and the purpose of the unique dream that led me for 35 years was to write a book that I received revelations from God.
A word about the Vineyard Holy Spirit Movement
At the time of the Vineyard Movement, not only I, but Christians from all over the world gathered. Most of the Korean believers are Presbyterians. Presbyterian pastors were coming to Anaheim Vineyard, Toronto Vineyard, Pensacola Full Gospel Church, etc., 300 to 500 people. They were that spiritually thirsty at that time. Until then, the Korean Presbyterian Church had emphasized the fruit of the Holy Spirit centered on the Word, and the Full Gospel Church had emphasized the gifts of the Holy Spirit, especially speaking in tongues. However, the Bible says that the gifts of the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the Holy Spirit should be shared together. The book of Galatians, which mentions the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and the book of 1 Corinthians, which mentions the gifts of the Holy Spirit, were written by the same author, the Apostle Paul. Our believers should possess both the fruits of the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. The church should teach its believers that way. However, through this Vineyard Holy Spirit Movement, it seems that the Korean Presbyterian Church had the opportunity to experience the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I think that the Korean church developed spiritually because of that. The regrettable thing about the Vineyard Movement is that the revival movement should have been a movement of repentance and conversion, but it seems to have been lacking in this regard. I think they focused too much on the experience. But I believe that God allowed this because He needed it at the time.
During my ministry
When I started my ministry, I realized the fatherhood of God through the book of Jonah. I realized that Jonah’s God was my father. What happened between Jonah and God? God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and deliver God’s message. The message was, “If you do not repent to God, I will judge you in 40 days.” What kind of country was Assyria to Jonah? Assyria was a country that had tormented Jonah’s home country, Israel, beyond words. In the end, didn’t Israel fall to Assyria? Assyria was Israel’s mortal enemy.
However, from Jonah’s perspective, Assyria had to fall so that Israel could live, but if he went to Assyria and delivered God’s message so that they would repent, God’s judgment would not be received, and if that happened, his home country would fall to Assyria. Therefore, Jonah did not want to do that even if it meant death, so he boarded a ship to Tarshish to avoid God and hid in the bottom of the ship. Then he fell asleep. In the end, God catches Jonah, puts him in the belly of a fish, makes him repent, and sends him to Nineveh. After being severely beaten by God, Jonah has no choice but to go to Nineveh, where he visits the city of Nineveh, which is three days away, he delived God’s message in one day, and climbs a mountain overlooking the city of Nineveh to see it fall. However, contrary to Jonah’s expectations, Nineveh does not fall. Jonah did not know what was happening in Nineveh because he had only shouted and climbed the mountain to see Nineveh fall. After receiving Jonah’s unfaithful message, the people of Nineveh, from the king to the beasts, fasted and repented. Jonah became upset because God had not judged Nineveh even after 40 days. In Jonah 4:1-4,
‘1 Then Jonah was exceedingly displeased, and became angry. 2 He prayed to the LORD and said, ‘Lord, was this not what I said when I was still in my country? Therefore I quickly fled back to Tarshish, because I knew that you are a gracious and merciful God, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and one who relents from sending calamity. 3 Now, O LORD, please take my life away, for it is better for me to die than to live.’ 4 And the LORD said, ‘Is it right for you to be angry?’
Jonah was extremely angry at God when he saw that God did not destroy Nineveh. He said that it would be easier to die. In this scene, Jonah thought that he was like a spoiled son and God was like a merciful and generous father. I saw the son Jonah running away because he didn’t like his father’s orders and forcing his father to take him and do the work, but he got angry at his father when he saw that things didn’t go his way. However, I saw the father not scolding his son at all, but playing a mean prank on him. Jonah built a hut to keep an eye on what was happening to the city and kept looking down. Then, God made a gourd grow over the hut Jonah had made and covered it, so he couldn’t help but feel good. Then, he prayed, “Please, Nineveh, fall!” He kept looking down on Nineveh from dawn the next day, but God mischievously sent a worm to eat up the hut and caused a hot east wind to blow, so that the hut was so hot that it was about to die. He got angry at God again because he was upset. In Jonah 4:8, ‘When the sun rose, God prepared a scorching east wind, and the sun beat down on Jonah’s head. Jonah became confused and asked for death, saying, ‘It is better for me to die than to live.’’
And in verse 9, ‘God said to Jonah, ‘Is it right for you to be angry because of the gourd?’ And he answered, ‘I am right to be angry, even to the point of death.’’
I was surprised to see Jonah rebelling against God, getting angry, and twice getting angry to the point of death, but still insisting that he was right. I thought that it was okay for people to do this to God. But God did not get angry or punish him, but rather played a mean prank on Jonah.
I saw that God the Father is a funny person. He played a mean prank, accepted his son’s tantrums, and humorously enlightened Jonah without scolding him for being a bad boy. Here, I realized the gentle, kind, and humorous fatherhood of God the Father. From then on, I could approach my father without fear or concern. I was happy to be a pastor and was able to minister with joy.
When I was the president of the college students group of the Chungjeongno Presbyterian Church that I attended, one day, a member of our group brought a college friend from another church to our church college group. The friend came to me and said, “Brother, are you saved?” I couldn’t tell you how angry I was when I heard that. I kicked him and chased him away, thinking, “Hey, who do you think I am, and how dare you ask me that?” (I thought to myself, “I am a 4th generation believer, a member of the choir, a Sunday school teacher, and the president of the college department, how dare you ask me if I am saved?”)
After that, the question “Are you saved?” continued to linger in my mind. I asked, “Are you saved?” when I was walking down the street, when I was eating, when I was reading a book, when I was listening to a lecture, and even when I was lying down to sleep. From then on, I began a deep and long journey of seeking the truth. I began to wonder whether God really exists, whether there is heaven and hell, and who I am. So I read philosophy books, psychology books, and listened to lectures. Without reaching any conclusion, I became so neurotic that I thought I would die, so I climbed up a steep rock on a high mountain and tried to die by jumping off. When I looked down, I felt dizzy and thought I would die, so I came down.
I had been diligently attending church since I was young and had done all kinds of church service, but I never heard the word salvation. Why didn’t they talk about salvation in church? I didn’t hear it. Until then, I had never been challenged by anyone about being saved. I had never read the Bible and had never had a strong motivation for faith.
At that time, what I realized was that when I attended worship services and listened to the sermon, I couldn’t hear a single word. I realized that no matter how hard I tried to listen to the sermon, I couldn’t hear a single word. The more I tried, the more my head was filled with all kinds of imagination and fantasy. I was so neurotic that when I tried to sleep at night, the wind felt like the roof would blow away. And I couldn’t even think about studying. I barely finished the second semester of my second year and enlisted in the military. When I enlisted in the military and didn’t pay attention, my neurosis got better. I diligently attended the military church. While attending the military church, I prayed to God. God, open my ears so that I can hear the Word.
I now remember what Jesus said to the church, “He who has ears, let him hear.” People didn’t listen to all of God’s words just because they had ears. I diligently attended church while serving in the military. I went on Sunday mornings, evenings, and Wednesday evenings. When I was a private, I was guided by my predecessors, and when I became a sergeant, I guided the privates. At that time, there was no TV in the military, so the senior members of the barracks harassed the lower soldiers a lot. They cleaned the water pipes, cleaned the barracks, called the lower soldiers together, pressured them, beat them, and turned them around. The church members could avoid such times on the days they went to church.
One Sunday, I was returning from a service and the company members were gathered at the parade ground. The atmosphere was tense. A senior called me aside and pushed me into a room, where he started beating me with the equipment he had prepared. He took off the wooden part of my M1 rifle and stabbed my diaphragm with the muzzle. I screamed and fell down. The next day, Monday, there was a week of guerrilla training, and I couldn’t lower my head because my bones were torn. I went through a week of guerrilla training in severe pain, and the last course was abseiling training where you jump down a rope from a high mountain into a river. There were many people who fell to their deaths during this training course. I finished it all.
When I asked the senior why he was beating me, he said that while other people were living in the barracks, you believers were using the excuse of going to church to avoid it. I declared that I would rather die than not go to church, but the senior started to do better to me. he would even gather up and send to church those soldiers. When a TV was installed in the barracks shortly before I was discharged, when church members lingered without going to church, they would chase them out to church. I went to church diligently, but I still could not hear the word of God. I kept praying to God to open my ears to hear the word, but there was no answer even after 3 years and 6 months in the military.
When it was time to be discharged, I went on my last vacation and told the pastor of the church I used to go to that I would return to the church after I was discharged and returned to my unit. After being discharged from the military, I did not want to go to that church again because I felt that I could not solve my spiritual problems there.
At that time, my aunt, who was working as a minister at a large church in Busan, was helping Pastor Seok Won-tae of Kyung hyang Church, who had come up to Seoul to establish a church. I went to my aunt and had my first religious counseling session since I was born. When I told her that I could not hear the words, she said that not all churches are the same and not all pastors are the same, so you are responsible for your own faith. My aunt said that she had worked at a large church and received a lot of compensation, but she said that she was working without receiving compensation because she had followed the words. She told me to come to the church my aunt served and listen to the words, and if I still could not hear the words, I should go to the church I wanted to go to.
I attended the first Sunday service at Kyung hyang Church and the words came right into my ears. I was thankful to God and rejoicing that my prayers had finally been answered, but then I heard a voice in one corner of my heart saying, “Hey, you, don’t be too excited. It’s just one of those things you’ve experienced before that just disappeared.” What this means is that when there was a revival meeting at church, when the revivalists gave interesting sermons, I listened to him, and when he asked people, if you believe that you are saved, then raise your hands. I was sitting in the choir and would raise my hand out of curiosity. But then I heard a voice in another corner of my heart saying, “Then try it out for a month. Try it out at least once during the Sunday service, evening service, and Wednesday service to see if you could hear the sermon well or not.” I tried it out for a month, and I could hear the sermon well without fail, and I gained the assurance of salvation, and from then on, my life of faith became full of energy.
Whenever I pray for something, God doesn’t give it to me easily. I have to cling to it, pursue it, and make a fuss before He gives it to me. Through such a process, I experimented and theorized, and systematized the process of receiving the Lord and receiving the grace and assurance of salvation, and taught it to the congregation.
I put this into practice in my ministry.
When I started my ministry, I decided that I would never let those who came to our church stay as long-time believers like me. I ministered in El Paso, Texas for 13 years. This place is primary military training place like Nonsan Training Center in Korea. Our church was centered around Korean wives who married American soldiers. American soldiers move to another place after three years at one base. Some of the members who joined our church came a month before, six months before, one year after, two years after, or three years before they left. Therefore, I visit the homes of those members during the week after attending church and teach them the context of the Bible from Genesis to Revelation for three hours.
Most of the members do not know much about the Bible. They do not read the entire Bible, but they continue to hear fragments of the Word at church. They could not grasp the context that connects the entire Bible. Therefore, if you connect the context of the Bible through Genesis and Revelation in the Old and New Testaments, you can easily understand God’s intention and gain assurance of salvation. I will talk about Genesis and the story of the Second Coming, the story of Adam and Eve, the problem of sin, who God is, who Jesus and the Holy Spirit are, what their relationship is with us, what salvation is, how to be saved, and what happens after death.
Then, most of the believers clearly understood the Bible, believed in God, accepted the Lord, lived a life of faith with confidence and tithes, and were baptized in the Holy Spirit and transferred to all over the world. My ministry in El Paso was a quick one. Since I did not know when the believers would leave, I had them accept the Lord quickly and sent them away. One year, 20 families left. If you neglect evangelism, the church I minister may become empty of believers. At that time, the official worship service in the church was Sunday morning service, evening service, Wednesday service, Friday service, 6-day early morning service, and district group service 6 times. On Thursday, there were three district group services from morning to 8 p.m. During the last service, I was so tired that I fell asleep while preaching, and when I came to my senses, the other church members were also asleep, so they didn’t realize that I was speaking while asleep.
I went to the White Sands(an hour and a half away) military base area and Alamo Gordo (three hours away) for regular visits. Every time, I started with the furthest people and drove them in order one hour before the service to pick up those who didn’t have cars. I also left one hour before the Sunday service to pick up the church members. At first, I asked the church members to do this, but there was discord between the church members who were picked up and those who had cars, so both of them were tested and stopped coming to church. So the pastor had to step up and take care of the car.
At that time, the families of soldiers were poor, and since the American military husbands were in charge of the household finances, the wives were also poor and could not properly tithe or give offerings to the church. They gave tithe, Sunday offering, and thanksgiving offering from what their husbands gave them for living expenses. However, if the church did something, they would give money to complete the project.
Because the church was poor, they could not properly pay the pastor’s salary for almost 10 years. When donations came in, they would first pay the church building mortgage, then the house mortgage. If there was money left after paying the car mortgage, I would receive $200, $300, or if they had some money left, $600. I would pay for the gas for the church car, but the church could not pay that gas money, so the church owed me a debt. My family finances were that the house fee came from the church, the car mortgage was paid by the church, and since the children were young, it didn’t cost much money, so we could live. This is my opinion, and my wife had a hard time.
Let me tell you about my younger brother and his wife. My brother and sister-in-law are both doctors. My sister-in-law sent me $1,000 every month for ten years, which allowed me to live. We are three brothers and one sister. There were my older brother, my older sister, me, and my younger brother, but my younger brother was the wealthy one. My sister-in-law sent me $1,000 every month while my son was attending seminary. She said she made money by investing in stocks and sent me $10,000 as tithes. She also sent me $5,000 when we built our church education center, and she provided publishing costs when we published the book, “The Mystery and Glory of the Resurrection.” Last year (2023), she gave me $8,000 when she arranged a cruise for our brothers. Just as God gave Elijah the widow of Zarephath (1 Kings 17:9), He sent me my sister-in-law, who is like an angel, as I pastor a poor church.
Darren, Medline, Anabelle, Dante, 2 Chronicles 16:9 says that God searches the whole earth to give power to those who seek Him with all their heart. God said that He looked all over the world to find the most suitable person for the work He wanted to do. Your grandfather saw in the Bible that God’s eyes were on four people whom He had chosen for the work. The first was the widow of Zarephath in Sidon, the second was Gideon, the third was Moses, and the fourth was Mary.
First, the widow of Zarephath
God told the prophet Elijah to declare that there would be a famine in Israel for several years. God told Elijah to go and hide by the brook Cherith to escape the famine. He provided bread and meat through ravens every morning and evening and drank water from the brook Cherith to live. Now the brook Cherith had dried up. God told Elijah to go to the widow of Zarephath in Sidon and I will provide for her. When Elijah went to Zarephath, the woman was gathering sticks. Elijah told the woman to bring him water to drink and food to eat. The woman told the prophet that she had only enough food for herself and her son. After eating this food, they would starve to death.
Then the prophet said, “Do as you say, but first make me a small cake and bring it to me, and after that make something for yourself and your son.” Then God said, “The jar of flour will not be empty, and the jar of oil will not run dry until the day the rain comes on the land.”
Here, let’s consider the case of the widow of Zarephath. The prophet asked her to make the last meal for herself and her son. She didn’t know if the stranger she had never seen before was a real prophet of God or a fake. And after they had gone to the prophet and offered the food first, their portion of food would have been reduced. It was the last meal they would eat and die. In that situation, the woman listened to the prophet’s words and believed that God would do so, and she did it. God searched the whole earth to find someone to support his servant Elijah the prophet, and his eyes fell on this woman from Zarephath. This woman believed the words of God’s prophet, even though she was ready to die (1 Kings 17:1-16).
The second person is Gideon.
In the days of Gideon, the Midianites occupied Israel and plundered the Israelites’ food like a swarm of locusts, leaving no sheep, cattle, or donkeys behind. At that time, the Israelites cried out to God. God was looking for someone who would save the Israelites from Midian. He looked all over the world and fixed his eyes on one person. God gave Gideon 300 soldiers and told him to fight and defeat the Midianite army of 135,000. God said to Gideon, “I will surely be with you, and you will strike the Midianites as if you were one man.” Gideon said to God, “Give me a sign that it is God who speaks with me.” Gideon placed the bread and meat that he had brought on a rock, and when the Lord touched the bread and meat with his staff, fire came out of the rock and consumed them, and God disappeared from sight. After that, Gideon asked God to let him try the fleece test again. After trying the fleece test twice, Gideon came to believe clearly that God intended for him to save Israel.
However, he was afraid. God told him to fight against 135,000 men with 300 men. God knew that Gideon was afraid, so he had Gideon sneak into the Midian camp at night and let Gideon hear two Midianite soldiers waking up from their sleep and telling them their dreams. It was a dream that the Israelite army would defeat the Midianite army.
Let’s think about Gideon’s case in this situation. No matter how many signs God gave Gideon to promise to be with him and help him win, how many people in the world would go out to fight against 135,000 men with 300 men? However, Gideon obeyed the order and won the battle against Midian. God looked over the whole world and saw Gideon’s faith, which was prepared to die. God’s eyes were fixed on Gideon (Judges 6:1-7:25).
The third person is Moses.
Moses was the third in line to become king in the Egyptian palace at that time. He was not an Egyptian, but a Hebrew, a slave people. When he was 40 years old, he saw a Hebrew and an Egyptian fighting and helped the Hebrew, but ended up killing the Egyptian. When this was discovered and he fled to save his life from the power struggle, he fled to the wilderness of Midian. However, when we look at Exodus 2:15, we mistakenly believe that Moses married Zipporah and had two sons as soon as he went to the wilderness of Midian. Exodus 2:15 says, “When Pharaoh heard of this, he sought to kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh and stayed in the land of Midian, and sat down by a well one day.”
Looking at this passage, it seems that Moses met Zipporah as soon as he went to the land of Midian. When we read the Bible, especially Genesis and Exodus, we must realize that time and space of thousands, hundreds, and even tens of years are compressed between each line or word. The same goes for Exodus 2:15. Moses did not meet Zipporah immediately after entering the Midian wilderness, but after 40 years of fleeing from Pharaoh’s pursuers.
I will show you the evidence. God appeared to Moses and told him to go to Egypt, meet Pharaoh, and save the Israelites. Moses refused God’s command four times. Moses was a man traumatized by Egypt and Pharaoh. How many people in the world would have followed the command to return to Egypt and meet Pharaoh after being pursued by pursuers who wanted to kill him for 40 years and living in an urgent environment where he could die at any moment?
Now, in Exodus 4:20, Moses is on the way to Egypt with his wife and sons on a donkey in obedience to God’s command. However, if we think about this passage carefully, it is strange. If Moses had married Zipporah immediately after fleeing to Midian, Gershom and Eliezer would have been at least 20-30 years old. Isn’t it strange that these young men in their 20s and 30s are riding on a donkey with their mother?
There is another suspicious passage. In Exodus 4:24-25, Moses is in his lodgings on his way to Egypt. However, when the Lord appears and grabs Moses to kill him, Zipporah cuts off her son’s foreskin and throws it at Moses’ feet, saying, “You are my blood husband.” Verse 26 explains that blood husband means circumcision. Perhaps when Moses tried to circumcise his son, Zipporah from Midian opposed it, so he could not circumcise him. But in verse 25, it does not say sons, but only one son’s foreskin is cut off. Why did she do that? Shouldn’t the foreskins of both grown sons be cut off? So when we think about Exodus 4:15, 24, and 25 together, the three people riding on the donkey were Zipporah and the two sons, Gershom who was about 2-4 years old, and Eliezer was in her mother’s womb, so the mother and the two sons could ride on the same donkey. That’s why in verse 25, only Gershom’s foreskin is cut off.
Looking at these facts, Moses did not get married 40 years ago, but he got married at the age of 80, 40 years later, and gave birth to Gershom, and another son was going to Egypt with his father in his mother’s womb. When God told Moses to go to Egypt, Exodus 4:19 says that all those who sought Moses’ life died. Perhaps Moses met Zipporah at the well because he had been avoiding pursuers for 40 years, and at some point he realized that there were no more pursuers, and he felt free, so he could go to the well where there were people, met Zipporah, and was able to get married.
Here, let’s think about Moses. He had been avoiding pursuers sent by Pharaoh for 40 years, so wouldn’t he have had trauma about Egypt and Pharaoh? Even if the Pharaoh who tried to kill him died, there was another Pharaoh in Egypt, and how many people in the world could handle that? However, Moses obeyed God’s command and carried it out. Moses risked his life and was prepared to die in obedience to God’s command. God looked all over the world and fixed His eyes on Moses, the one person who was suitable for the job.
The fourth person is Mary, the mother of Jesus.
After Adam and Eve sinned, God promised in Genesis 3:15 that He would send the offspring of the woman to this world and save mankind from the bondage of sin. Since then, mankind has been waiting for the Messiah to come to this world. When the time came for God to send the Messiah to the world, He searched for a woman who would take care of the young Messiah until he became an adult, and He fixed His eyes on one woman. God sent the angel Gabriel to the virgin Mary and said, “You will conceive and give birth to a child, and you are to name him Jesus.” At that time, if a virgin became pregnant, she was to be stoned to death. At that time, Mary answered, “I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” Mary obeyed God’s word, prepared to give up her life.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to die for Jesus and the gospel will live, but whoever wants to save his life will lose it.”
Grandfather prays that Darren, Medline, Anabelle, and Dante will also become people whom God’s eyes linger on.
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